Building Relationships with Neurodivergent Young People

By Isobel Ziatas

We all have expectations regarding how our relationships might develop before they even begin. 

When a relationship deviates from our expectations, we may feel confused or disappointed about why it hasn’t developed in the way we had hoped. It’s important in these moments to recognise whether our expectations of the other individual are reasonable and within the individual’s capacity, as well as whether our interaction style is considering the needs and expectations of the other person. 

Differences in neurotypes commonly lead to an increase in communication and interaction differences. The Double Empathy Paradigm suggests that all brains have different ways to communicate and that when two people of the same neurotype are interacting, the communication is effective, and ruptures in the relationship are less likely to occur. When two different neurotypes communicate, there can be more difficulty in the interaction. For years the onus of these differences has been placed on the neurodivergent individual, with a focus on making their interaction style more neurotypical or non-autistic. While this may fulfill the non-autistic person's needs and expectations within the relationship, it’s important to consider the impact of these expectations on the autistic individual. Neurowild explains it nicely in this comic: Neurowild’s Post on Instagram

If you are non-autistic, you may at times have difficulty understanding or feeling understood when communicating with your autistic child, client, friend, or partner. While this may initially feel frustrating for you, it can be helpful to consider whether or not it is realistic to expect a neurodivergent person to communicate in neurotypical ways. If the person that you are communicating with has a different neurotype, then you may need to consider whether they have the capacity, ability, or motivation to meet your expectations. Most importantly, do you need to adjust your expectations and communication style in order to appropriately meet the needs of the person you are communicating with? 

Below are some ways that we might account for differing neurotypes in our communication:

  • Interest based. Meet your young person in their world and engage in their interests. While you may not be interested in Roblox or Minecraft, it is easy to be curious and enjoy their passion for it. Even better, reach out and join someone in their SpIns,* ask them about their area of interest (and often expertise) and listen to an infodump! 

  • Parallel play. Proximity without the stress and demand of a shared activity is a low-demand way to build and strengthen a relationship. Kyahcomic sums it up nicely here: Kyahcomic's Tumblr Post 

  • Mentalisation. As mentioned above, try taking the perspective of the neurodivergent person. Is what you are asking from them something they’d be interested in engaging with? How are your beliefs and expectations impacting the relationship? Are they reasonable? When we consider the perspective of the other person, we may be able to identify their expectations and their capacity regarding social interactions.

  • Timing. Timing doesn’t just refer to the time of day, it also refers to your own regulation, the sensory environment, the amount of time available, and current energy levels. Is after school really the best time to engage your young person in quality relationship building time or are they out of spoons?** When they reach out to you to engage you in their interests or needs, do you respond appropriately? What do you do when you are out of spoons? 

  • Safety & Regulation. Connection between two people requires each person to be regulated. If either person is not within their ‘window of tolerance’ (e.g., feeling anxious or excited) it may be that now is not the time to engage in relationship building. As suggested in the Model of Child Engagement and in Window of Tolerance theories, for a young person to be able to engage in any activity they must be in their regulation zone. To learn more, read up on the Model of Child Engagement (Greg Santucci) and check out this infographic explaining the Window of Tolerance on by Charissa Fry.

  • Consistency. Being consistent means a reduction of anxiety around uncertainty and more capacity to build connection (spending less time and brain power worrying). Consistency is not just having consistent responses but consistent values. The more you respond in a safe and consistent way, the more likely the young person will be able to engage with you. 

  • Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathetic (PACE) attitude. Dan Hughes’ Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy suggests a PACE attitude to interactions supports the development of safe connections for the young person. Read more about the PACE approach here.

  • Drop your agenda. Everybody has a different way to process, express and communicate. Just because you feel or think one way about something, it does not mean that your young person feels the same. It is important to note here that age does not equal respect; relationships with a power differential (i.e., teacher or parent with a child) can be intimidating or simply do not make sense (especially for highly anxious or PDA young people). 

  • Listen/Communication. Be aware of the messages your words, tone, and body are sending while you're interacting. On the flipside, what are their words, tone, and body language telling you? Listening to all aspects of expression (verbal and physical) can help us identify the most appropriate response for the situation. 

  • Communication Modes. It is imperative to ascertain how the young person prefers to communicate. For example, do they prefer to text, type, draw, or talk? Do they prefer to be engaged in an activity while they talk? Do they find sitting across from someone where the interaction is reliant on eye contact and back-and-forth verbal communication painful? Each individual usually has their own preferred way of communicating and it’s important for us to respect this!

So next time you are engaging with someone who is neurodivergent, check in with yourself and with them to see if you are engaging with the person in ways that are within their comfort zone.

*We use the term “SpIn” instead of Special Interests as ‘special’ has negative connotation about an individual’s capacity and needs, and therefore can be derogatory to the neurodivergent community. Read more here: https://neuroclastic.com/7-cool-aspects-of-autistic-culture/ 

** “Spoons” refers to Spoon Theory, which describes how each day we have a certain amount of “spoons” or energy which we can use. Throughout the day, the different tasks we complete use different amounts of energy/spoons and some things can give us energy/spoons back. You can find a nice overview here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CjmkrqfPZSV/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link 

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