Lets Talk About Dads of Neurodivergent Kids

Fatherhood is journey that can be filled with joy, challenges, and growth; it is both a universal and individually nuanced experience. Being a neurotypical dad to a neurodivergent child (and/or being neurodivergent yourself) adds a layer of complexity to the experience that can be both enriching and, at times, overwhelming. That is, even more so when there are traits of demand avoidance or a full pathological demand avoidance profile present.

While there are many types of neurodivergence (ND), The Kidd Clinic supports many members of the Autistic, Pathological Demand Avoidant (PDA) and ADHD community and this experience has informed the focus of this blog.

In this blog we will explore the following key points, with insights from Daniel (expectant father and former TKC clinician) and Karl (father of 3 and TKC Business Director):

Re-learning what it means to be a dad including letting go of traditional views of the parent-child relationship.
The importance of a strong relationship with your child as the best “strategy” for preventing meltdowns.
The benefits of being involved in your child’s therapy, beyond attending appointments.
Engaging your own support.

Many dads can carry traditional views of behaviour and consequences (e.g., X behaviour = Y response) based on their own experiences of being parented. For that reason, approaches that are more flexible can be difficult for many dads to grapple with. A frequent concern for dads of ND and/or demand avoidant children is whether lowering demands (X) will result in children who grow up to be disrespectful, rude, or selfish (Y). Although a low demand approach may seem permissive or counterintuitive, there is a strong rationale for learning about and adopting this approach. Here’s what Daniel has to say about this:

“Adjusting your approach to meet your child’s developmental needs builds a foundation of respect, empathy, and resilience. Lowering demands doesn’t mean lowering expectations; it means fostering an environment where your child feels understood and supported. This strengthens their ability to navigate challenges and develop self-discipline. By prioritising connection over strictness, you’re raising a confident, well-adjusted individual who respects others and handles life’s demands effectively.”

For tips on connecting with your ND child, you may find it helpful to read our blog Building Relationships with Neurodivergent Young People.

Likewise, Karl speaks to how his understanding of neurodivergence developed over time and the change this had on his parenting style:

“As I was brought up in a traditional nuclear family with strict rules, I quickly learned that what I experienced as a child would not be suitable or appropriate for my child to experience. I had to learn what it means to be child-centric and to be led by my child’s needs. I also had to learn to grow a very thick skin.
As with a lot of parents of ND kids, much time was put into research and rethinking our own expectations of what it means to be a parent. I personally had to unlearn a lot of what I believed a father’s role was and learn to listen to what my child needed from me. It was difficult because I was brought up to believe that children need to be respectful of parents all the time.
Remove your expectations of what you think they “should” be capable of doing and allow them the space to just grow with what they can do. They need this extra time to grow as a person and learn whatever skills they need to help them flourish in a non-ND world.”

So, focusing on maintaining and repairing the relationship (when there are inevitable ruptures) is key. Ruptures might look like meltdowns and there are strategies to manage meltdowns when they occur (i.e., prioritising safety). However, fostering a strong connection with your child is the greatest “strategy” to prevent meltdowns in the first place, as Karl explains:

“For our family with three children, we worked hard to only allow situations to occur that had the most potential for positive outcomes for our child (as much as we could). When a meltdown occurred it was met with keeping siblings as safe as we could, using solution-based behaviour from us, i.e., removing our child from the environment, ‘shadowing’ them in group situations so that we could quickly step in, and avoiding putting them into a situation that they would not have the skills yet to handle.
My partner and I would often take our other children to activities or even on holidays, whilst the other remained at home with our PDAer and engaged with activities that they enjoyed. Fortunately, I had quite similar interests, so it was easy to connect with them through these.”

One example that comes up frequently in therapy at TKC is how dads parent technology use; this is often an opportunity for connection around interests. For more on this please see our blog Autism and Screen Time.

At TKC we recognise that fathers may face challenges when it comes to connecting with their children. Many dads are the primary income earners for their families which means the time they have available is limited. It’s likely that most of their child’s appointments for school or therapy will take place during working hours. So, dads often must find alternative ways to learn about their child and their child’s needs. For example, here’s how Daniel is preparing for a child who is likely to be ND:

“I am fortunate to have friends on the same journey, so I am connecting with parents with similar experiences to share our stories and learn from theirs. My partner and I are also discussing the importance of creating a flexible, supportive environment where we can help our child/children thrive, no matter their strengths and difficulties. We are further working on organising a list of specialists in case something arises so that we can be proactive rather than reactive.”

While Daniel knows that he is expecting a child who could be ND, as he and his partner are ND, not all dads are aware that their child is or will be ND. Realising that your child is ND can be daunting and confusing. This was Karl’s experience:

“With our child, from early on we realised that they had greater needs than other children and as they moved through the first few years of life, we read many books to try and understand what might be happening for them, labelling them as a high needs or ‘spirited’ child.
We had naturally used attachment parenting techniques so this helped in meeting their needs, but when we couldn’t even take them to the park without monitoring very closely due to meltdowns, difficulties with transitions, and aggressive or ‘angry’ outbursts, we knew that something more was happening for them.
When our first child eventually received an Autism diagnosis, we looked into how we could better support them, for example, what could we do to further modify the family environment?
During this time, I did feel out of my depth and scared of what the future would hold for us and our child. But this was quickly replaced by a deep feeling of protectiveness and wanting to do all that I could to help them. If anything, the diagnosis helped solidify my natural parental instincts.”

Finally, it’s important for dads to remember that they are not alone on this journey. Many dads may not be as fortunate as Daniel to have friendships where they feel that they can openly discuss their child’s needs. Indeed, many fathers find it difficult to speak to anyone about their struggles, even their own partners. Karl says:

“I listened to my partner and learned from her, as she deep dived and gathered knowledge which helped us to grow as a family, parent and as a couple…We shared the load a lot and would use each other’s strengths to assist our child.
A caring and stable environment, where both parents are supportive and loving of each other, and their children, is always the best option, whether the child is ND or not.”

Of course, some dads may not have this kind of partnership. For those fathers who feel that they don’t have anyone to turn to, seeing a professional for guidance and support can help. TKC offers therapy for fathers at every stage of the parenting journey. See our blog Support for Parents at The Kidd Clinic for more information.

If you are interested in learning more about fathering ND kids, then you may find the following resources helpful:

If you are the dad of a PDAer, you may be interested in our upcoming webinar, Let’s Talk: PDA for Dads, on 13th February 2025.